The truth I hold most sacred is that LIFE, all life, is a precious gift from God. This belief is at the core of my person and it is the fuel that drives my life.
About one year ago, when we discovered I was pregnant for the 5th time time, my husband and I decided to embrace permanent birth control, to prevent a 6th pregnancy. It was a decision we made both thoughtfully and prayerfully. If I’m being totally honest, fear was a factor in making this decision. Fear for my health. Fear for my daughter Lily’s health. Fear of financial difficulty, ect…. We framed this fear as “wisdom” about our circumstances. We told ourselves we will never feel done and it makes sense to stop now. We were not necessarily in error but then last Thursday happened. Last Thursday I found myself 5 days late. I’m NEVER late, unless I’m pregnant. This particular cycle would be the cycle that truly determined whether or not another child would ever be in our future. And I found myself overjoyed at the prospect of bringing another baby into our lives. I asked my husband to pick up a home pregnancy test. When I did, the excitement on his face was priceless. We laughed about the hilarity of the situation but both secretly wished we would find ourselves pregnant for the 6th time. As it turns out, I wouldn’t need that pregnancy test after all. That evening our answer came swiftly and painfully. Upon realizing that we were in fact never going to have another child of our own I wept. I wept all night. My husband wept. We embraced one another utterly brokenhearted and I couldn’t help but ponder why? Why is this so painful? Why did we permanently close that door if we both feel this way?
Unable to sleep I spent the entire night praying about and contemplating the why. What I discovered is that I trespassed this truth that I hold so sacred. Do not misunderstand me, I don’t believe we acted in sin. I do not think God is displeased with us. When I say I trespassed this truth, I mean that I believe God has placed this specific passion on my heart for a purpose. That purpose while seemingly meant to be a voice for the unborn, the unwanted, the ill, the disabled and the cast off; had a deeper meaning for me personally. I know that God’s purposes will be fulfilled on this Earth. Whomever He desires to bring into the world will be brought into the world. However, perhaps those purposes would have been fulfilled through me had I only been willing to continue to be His vessel. If all life is a precious gift then I have stifled those gifts in my own life.
Listen, we all have a different call on our lives. This isn’t meant to be one of those “What’s right for me is right for you” speeches. And I am only sharing this with you because I believe that we miss God’s good gifts in our lives out of fear of trusting Him with our hearts desire. God has designed you for a specific purpose. He has placed you in such a time as this. He has provided a way for you to fulfill that burning desire in your heart. That passion you have means something. Examine your heart. Put it before the throne. Wait on the Lord. Let Him remove what ought to be removed. Let Him nurture what ought to be nurtured. Go before Him in truth and with a willing heart. Then you will sit in awe as He unfolds His good plan for you.
And remember because He is a good and loving Father, if you miss one opportunity it doesn’t mean He will never give you another. For us this means we will pursue what has also been placed on our hearts, Adoption. I don’t know how or when The Lord will make a way for us to fulfill this desire, but I do know He will.
All my love,
*Photo- Me and baby #5 when she was a week old.